I was reminded of the truly ludicrous ideas given flesh during the past four or five Olympic Games opening ceremonies, and how the ceremonies have degraded both in terms of essential truths, and the manner in which the so-called ‘committee-based’ events have mushroomed almost beyond control! I only briefly watched the ceremony in Seoul, but saw the ending when the Olympic flame was lit, roasting alive about a hundred of the doves-of-peace which had settled on the rim of the huge bowl in which the flame mechanism was held! The simple truth that the birds were almost bound to settle on the first available horizontal surface seemed to have escaped the South Koreans’ notice, and perhaps we can be honest and say that they didn’t really care! I also watched the first thirty seconds of the Spanish ceremony, but decided I had some varnish which needed watching; and gave that priority over a cavalcade of Picasso flags, some morons dancing and the ludicrous spectacle of the grossly fat soprano belting out ‘Barcelona’! Touching briefly on the Sydney games, if the Australian organisers had allowed the first item only, namely the spectacle of the massed horsemen galloping around the arena, where the true spirit of the Continent was depicted in an awesome and inspiring way, with the true Australian National Anthem, “Waltzing Matilda” roaring out from a hundred thousand voices; where the legends of such nation-builders sprang almost fully clothed from the dust generated by the hooves of those wonderful animals, and then brought the athletes on before the flame was lit, that would have been a worthy start! The fact that they spent the next two hours depicting the “birth” of Australia, including the ludicrous massed lawnmowers, was silly in the extreme.
I mention these ceremonies because, although they were essentially foolish, very expensive and rather silly, at least they were not offensive! We are now less then two years away from what I predict will truly be one of the most expensive, awesome and bogus opening ceremonies in the slightly tawdry history of the Olympic movement; namely the opening ceremony in Beijing, the capital city of Communist China! Let us put our future-scanning skills to the test, and see if I can foretell what items will feature on the list for the Beijing Games?
First we might see, just to provide a little light relief, and to show that the Chinese bear no grudges against their former enemies, a series of tableaux depicting the Rape of Nanking, where the Imperial Japanese Army slaughtered around half-a-million Chinese; with special effects to show how many died while being used as human guinea pigs by the Japanese forces!
Next, a cavalcade of the dead, massacred during the civil war between the Nationalist forces under General Chiang Kai-Chek and the opposing Communists, led by Mao-Tse-Tung. This might prove to be a lengthy parade, as the dead were rumoured to number in the millions!
Following on from that excess of fun, the next events might be a small series of floats reflecting the hundreds of thousands who were either killed, or forced to work as slaves, during that real humorous period known as the ‘Cultural Revolution’. The participants, having been identified as ‘counter-revolutionaries’, in other words people who could actually read and write, were forced to recant their crimes while wearing a white cap, a sign of idiocy in China, and then banished to work in either sewage farms or dangerous coal mines, as punishment for considering themselves ‘elite’!
There would be a special entry next of a full marching formation of the Chinese People’s Liberation Army, depicting the 1950 invasion of defenceless Tibet, showing how they overcame the ruthless defenders of the monasteries, ruthless that is in sacrificing their own lives by throwing themselves on the Chinese bayonets!
As a special memorial to their Great Leader, minor god and general prophet, Mao-Tse-Tung himself, and of course his wonderful personal habits and yearnings, a long procession of young virgin girls will walk gaily over the arena floor; none of course over the age of twelve, to help celebrate that in fact the Great Leader was nothing more than a paeadophile, who wanted nothing more than to rape and deflower as many of those unfortunate children as could be snatched from their parent’s arms as possible!
The penultimate procession will of course be a full division of Mongolian Shock Army troops, together with a selection of armoured cars, tanks and other tracked vehicles; all moving slowly and majestically down the main arena floor, much as their predecessors did during the build-up to the massacre of over five thousand students and protesters in Tienanmen Square in 1989!
The final item will be a parade of all of the competing athletes, and the Chinese must resist the urge to shoot a few who don’t march in step, for as we all know; ‘old habits die hard’!