(Lifted wholesale from this web-site, because I reckoned it was not only funny, but also true)
With the holidays upon us, and lots of you going down to the coast, I feel it my duty to send the follow warning to you all. Please read it carefully and please obey the rules.
1: Don’t swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans.
The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty. (Exception: the Dead Sea.)
2: Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to recreate in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the “daah-da, daah-da” chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the doppler effect.
3: Swim with fat people.
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions.
If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.
4: Don’t panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won’t help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling for visiting tourists.