What’s it all about, Alfie?

It is alleged that whilst little Alfie ******* is definitely not the father of tiny Maisie, the reason why he was so definite about her parentage pre-DNA test was because he was not using the most modern form of contraception, namely ‘The Bucket’. 

As can be seen from previous photos, the tyke is only four foot tall, and when he was getting to grips with his much taller girlfriend, he was standing on a bucket.

The Contraceptive Device?

Simple, really; when his face goes red, she kicks the bucket out from under his feet!.

Charity….Definition…..To do Good works!

When we in Britain are asked to give generously to charitable causes, we assume almost without question that the Charity in question is above board; and in almost all cases, our trust has not been abused. But it is indeed a strange thieng to relate that the number of ‘Charities’ which have been exposed as fronts for, or furnishing funds to, Terror groups in Iraq, Afghanistan, Gaza and all the other cesspits where the writ of the Mullahs holds sway!

We read yet again of a so-called Charity which has a leader, Faisal Mostafa, now arrested in Bangladesh as part of a terror investigation into the madrassa or religious school his charity was funding. Items found included shotguns, small arms  –  about nine or 10 in total  –  plus equipment to make small arms, about 3,000 rounds of ammunition, two walkie-talkies, two remote control devices and four sets of army uniforms. 

Mostafa’s dad, quoted yesterday as saying  “‘This is all an exaggeration. ‘He just wants to help children. He is a British citizen and has been in this country since 1969.”

So there we have it, he was just training the kids in self-defence techniques, because Bangladesh is such a dangerous place!  Note the British citizen bit!  Har-Har-har!

Not all bad news in NHS!

 To the Ladies and Gentlemen of Ward 12.

 To all who work in what can only be described as the ultimate Service, that of helping your fellow men and women through difficult and sometimes painful times.

 To the attending Consultants, the energetic Doctors and their teams.

 To the Ward Sister, the Staff Nurses, the Nurses and the Orderlies, my thanks and salutations; but my best wishes to Staff Nurse Laura, who taught a crotchety elderly man who was at times in considerable pain that competence and proficiency can be coupled with compassion; and that a smile, while costing nothing, is worth millions to the recipient.

 Please enjoy this token of my appreciation, which is sent as a small ‘thank you’ from the owner of one of the larger scars in the business.

 Best Regards

 James Michael  ‘Mike’ Cunningham.

The letter copied above was delivered by myself to the staff of Ward 12, Freeman Hospital in Newcastle-on-Tyne just a few weeks after my major surgery. I reproduce it here because of the terrible indictment served to the Mid Staffordshire NHS Foundation Trust for the running of it’s  Staffordshire General Hospital.  A base number of over 400 patients, possibly as high as 1200, are said to have died through a combination of poor treatment, ineptitude, lack of basic training and of trained staff. 

My own experience is somewhat different to the situation in Staffordshire, as I was checked out at a pre-entry consultation after a CAT-scan, booked in and advised of my operation date after a short but comprehensive discussion with the consultant and his registrar. The fact that my operation was cancelled the first time around was due to the theatre which was booked for my op. being the only one suitable for a liver transplant, so I was told another date. I wasn’t enchanted, but my op. wasn’t urgent, and the transplant was!

I checked in for the second time, was made ready, and the operation was completed. I won’t go into too many details, but suffice to say that I was relieved of approximately 8-odd pounds in weight when all was removed.

I had cause for three complaints during my recovery process.

  • I was given a combination of pain-relief pills which brought on the most frightening hallucinations; quickly resolved once I complained.

  • My wound was dressed the first time by a Scots staff nurse who was probably extremely competent, but had not the first clue about how to remove an adhesive dressing without ripping it off my stomach; as the scar was over two feet long and was barely commencing healing, you can possibly imagine what I went through, but after I stated in no uncertain terms that I refused to let her near me again, things grew brighter by the minute!

  • One of the other patients was a Newcastle United supporter, and he had access to the piped television screening of a game between Newcastle and another crowd of over-paid morons. For over ninety minutes, I was forced to listen and watch as he chanted, commented, cried, applauded, swore, and laughed as his favourite team went through whatever it is they do on a football pitch. It was awful! I couldn’t even get up and move to another room, as I still had various drips, tubes and monitors stuck all over my person! It was the nearest thing to suicide as I considered my options!

As you can see, I didn’t have a lot to worry about as regards my care, and the only thing which grated was the insistence that I repeat my name and date of birth each time I was given a selection of pills. Alright, alright: I know that this procedure eliminates the possibility of an incorrect medication being administered, but I have to moan at something!

The staff at the Freeman were helpful, attentive, able to explain why something was being done or even not done, which to an engineer is worth a great deal! I found the senior staff approachable, confident, always keen to give advice when required, and extremely competent in all the things which they do.

This is I believe the crux of the problem at the Staffordshire General Hospital. The Medical and Surgical Staff probably were competent as well, but they were ruled by Managerial people who were intent on only one thing; and that of course was the Sacred Cause of Targets. A target for the time of treatment in A & E, another Target for the other, the list goes on and on! Whilst the Hospitals in Newcastle and Durham seem to have sorted themselves out in most areas, they might want to check out the catering, as the food would be best described as just nutritious.

I was checked at five different times for MRSA bugs, and this was standard practice; a little expensive, some might quibble, but not me! I was happy that everyone who came in was checked, and for good reason, as MRSA can and does kill!

As an educated individual, I could appreciate where the money goes; all those millions you read about in the newspaper stories; and I am more than happy to relate that in my case, the result was a final check by a consultancy team member who grinned as he remarked, “You’ll probably outlive me!”

when in doubt, shut the f**k up


The British National Party is led by men with a fairly keen sense of what publicity is good for them (all) and so when yet another Westminster      fat-mouthed fool breaks silence and condemns them for their use of a former Prime Minister’s famous features on a political campaigning   leaflet, what is the end result? One hell of a number of people click their way onto the website of that party, and some may even stay!

I kind of admire, in the same sort of admiration one gives to a cobra as it rears up some twenty inches away from your body, the B.N.P.; mainly because they, alone of the Political Parties operating in Britain today, say exactly what they believe in up front, so there is no mistake or error in those who would support or vilify them.

   I really did like their famous Election video (Corporal Fox) because once again it hit the spot, it was merciless, and for the most part it was devastatingly accurate!

Nicholas Soames ought to grow up, shut up , and realise that to the B.N.P., interjections such as his are like rainfall in the Gobi Desert!

It’s only a game!!

I note with despair that the Indian cricketing supremos (the B.C.C.I.) have decided to move the Indian premier League out of India after security concerns over the Indian General Elections.

 “Due to the attitude of the government that it cannot provide security for the tournament, we are forced to take a decision to move the IPL out of India,” said the country’s cricket chief Shashank Manohar.

 Who decides to offer their fields? You’ve guessed it, the English!

If Luton is anything to go by, we’re gonna’ see a right ‘Summer of Discontent’

Take a letter……

The following is a copy letter to my own M.P.

Dear Roberta Blackman-Woods,

I write to enquire why the deportation hopes of the Home Secretary,
wherein she stated that she would deport all eleven terror suspects
back in Novemebr 2008, have not yet been realised?

If these men are as dangerous as she thinks, why are at least six not
behind bars, instead of out on bail? Are we so deficient in the correct
drafting of legal legislation as to consistently fail to lock these
people up, or are our efforts brought low by the requirements of
Brussels and E.U. legislation, which gives rights to terrorists, but
refuses to acknowledge that we have rights too?

Yours sincerely,

Mike Cunningham


And why indeed?

Snipetts on Saturday

Just for a change this fine Spring Saturday, I thought I’d pick out a few items which caught my ear or eye, and see what you as an audience thought of the ‘State of Play’ to use a sporting term.

• I listened this a.m. to a discussion between the Today interviewer and a representative of the Luton Mosques. The proposed march in support of the Royal Anglians having been transferred to London because of rumours of ‘Far-right Intervention’, the muslim spokesman condemned the tiny number of vociferous protesters whom, he said, did not represent the mainstream muslims of Luton. “All we wish to do,” he added, “is to be left to live our lives in peace!” Yer, well; I’d rather believe the evidence of my own eyes and ears regarding all they might wish to do!

• A second Today item was the sad decision by the Appeal Court to deny the parents of that gravely-ill child their appeal against the decision of the NHS Trust to remove treatment from their son. As I write this post, I read that tHE TINY SOUL HAS FLED THE CHAINS which bound him, and is now at rest. The very speed of this death brings but a sad conclusion that the medical people were correct, and he was only alive by that same medical intervention. As a father and now a grandfather, I can only hope that the pain is dulled by time for the grieving parents.

• Prince Charles’ Duchy Originals has found itself in opposition with the Medical Regulatory people over an online advert for their Duchy Herbals Echina-Relief Tincture and Duchy Herbals Hyperi-Lift Tincture. The Duchy’s advert apparently claimed that these items were ‘EFFECTIVE’ IN CURING OR RELIEVING  symptoms; of what and by what I do not know, nor really care, but it goes to show that even Charlie can fall foul of ‘Big Brother’ from time to time!

• The ‘Big Lottery’ fund has agreed to pick up the tab for some five hundred Normandy veterans who wish to attend THE 65TH ANNIVERSARY of those momentous days back in 1944. It would seem appropriate to ask the M.O.D., who originally flatly refused to fund the travel plans of these now really old men, if they have ever heard of the term ‘public relations’? As I lost one uncle on the second day of the invasion, and my own father served throughout the war, having volunteered the day the War broke out, I would think the investment in blood can be said to been fully subscribed; and we owe a debt of gratitude to those who served, fought and died so that I might write these lines, and you can read them!

• Scientists are warning that the Scilly Isles could be rendered ‘uninhabitable’ byADVANCING GLOBAL WARMING. The sea is predicted to rise by three feet, swamping Hugh Town and Old Town. A further prediction that the ‘Sky was Falling’ was discounted as Exaggeration!

• Lennon Poyser has been threatened with an ASBO for repeatedly kicking footballs over a seven foot fence. The official police letter, on headed notepaper stated ‘’Children from your address are involved in incidents of anti-social behaviour and nuisance problems. We have received a number of complaints over the past few weeks regarding these youths being abusive when asked to stop playing football in the street and there are also allegations regarding possible damage to property. It added that if the incidents did not ‘stop immediately’ then her council tenancy could be at risk.’ Trouble is, LENNON IS JUST TWO YEARS OLD, walks only with difficulty, and kicks a plastic ball which is blown back to him on the wind.

• A motorist had his dangerous driving conviction quashed by the Court of Appeal because the Judge wrote a note to the defence barrister stating that her defence could be described as the Six ‘P’s; referring to an old Army motto viz. ‘PRIOR PLANNING PREVENTS PISS POOR PERFORMANCE’. The grounds for appeal were that the female barrister lost confidence, and thus was not able to provide a proper defence. The office for Judicial Complaints was unable to confirm whether the Judge would receive any sanction!

• A pensioner was given a £75.00 fixed penalty for feeding birds in a park. The Italian immigrant, who has lived in Heckmondwike for over forty years, stated that she would rather go to prison than pay the fine. THE FIXED-PENALTY FINE WAS WITHDRAWN by the Council after protests commenced thundering down from all sides. It was not confirmed if the two council wardens were being re-educated, or even questioned as to whether they were educated at all!

• If you are convicted in your absence of a crime anywhere else within the European Union, you are now liable to arrest and deportation after JACK STRAW SURRENDERED TO PRESSURE from Brussels, and agreed to the changes to ‘further EU integration’. So if you get involved with a stroppy Roumanian, or hit a Lithuanian, or even pop a Parisian policeman, and the trial takes place in your absence, you don’t have any legal recourse, you are on the next plane out!

• Home secretary Jacqui Smith vowed last November to deport 11 terror suspects. As of this morning, NOT ONE HAS BEEN MOVED FROM OUR COUNTRY!