We’re all (not necessarily) doomed!


THE government has raised its virus alert level to ‘pantastic’ after it was confirmed that two people in Scotland were hovering close to feeling slightly unwell.

The pair, from one of the dozens of non-descript hell-holes between Edinburgh and Glasgow, were admitted to hospital yesterday when their condition was described as ‘critically fuzzy’.

Doctors said they were now 90% certain the couple were suffering from Pork Flu as opposed to a common strain of Scottish Influenza, also known as a bastard hangover.

Dr Tom Logan, from the Royal Infirmary of Scotland, said: “Scottish flu is particularly common at this time of year as the weather becomes milder and the days longer, meaning everyone spends even more time in the pub than usual, mainly because they can stand outside all night smoking hundreds of fags.”

As confirmed cases in Europe leapt from probably 14 to possibly 19, officials said the very small number of people infected meant it was vital governments across the world were prepared to use the word ‘pandemic’ as often as possible.

Martin Bishop, from Doncaster, said: “I thought it was when millions of people were infected, bodies were piled outside cemeteries and doors were daubed with a big, red ‘X’ to indicate a ‘house of the unclean’.

“But then I looked it up and sure enough it said ‘Pandemic, noun – 19 people in four different countries, each with a slight temperature and a bottle of Lucozade’. So there you go.”

Margaret Gerving, from Peterborough, said: “I thought we’d at least see some tanks on the streets and lots of government agents walking around in those scary-looking biological suits they wore in E.T.

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