Mastermind Blatter happy with final preparations for Operation ‘Rob The Darkies’

‘Fingers’ Blatter, the shadowy head of an international money-making syndicate known as ‘Feefa’, says he is pleased with the final preparations ahead of the start of his latest caper, codenamed Operation “Rob The Gullible Darkies Blind While Convincing Them This Was Their Idea”, also known as the World Cup. “

Forensic investigators suggest that once the month-long heist is complete, Blatter and his international gang will have made off with around $2-billion in profit, while its victims – the South African taxpayer – will be around $1-billion poorer.

“It’s a brilliant scheme,” explained lead investigator Papertrail Nyanda.

“South Africa spends about $4-billion, of which it will recoup about $2.7-billion. Either way, Fingers and his gang walk away with their two billion.

“In other words, the South African government is suckered into burning $1.3 billion it doesn’t have to create a massive smokescreen behind which Fingers and the lads make their getaway.

“It’s money for nothing and the chicks for free.”

Meanwhile Blatter confirmed that Operation “Rob The Gullible Darkies Blind While Convincing Them This Was Their Idea” was on track for a smooth execution later this week.

“The amazing thing is that they still don’t suspect anything,” he chortled, tossing chocolate raisins to his iguana, Danny Jordaan.

“They think it’s about football, the poor bumpkins!”

He said none of the expected hitches had occurred.

“We weren’t sure how we were going to get the loot out of the country undetected,” he said. “But then they changed the laws of the Republic and made my guys exempt from tax laws and exchange controls.

“Short of actually being accomplices they couldn’t have been nicer.”

Meanwhile the government is adamant that hosting the World Cup was the right thing to do, despite half the country being unemployed and a third living in abject poverty.

“Yes, we could have used that R40-billion to build 700,000 RDP houses,” said spokesman Circus Maximus Magubane.

“But if we had done that then Wayne Rooney would never have come here and actually touched us.

“I am never washing my hand again, ever.”

Meanwhile five million South Africans have also confirmed that they will not be washing their hands again, ever, largely because they do not have access to clean running water.

All the best

The usual run of newspaper stories present few instances of journalistic humour, but I thought that the Daily Mail story about Cabinet Minister Chris Huhne, his bisexual lover and his rejected wife hit the nail..

The story, mainly about the hugely exorbitant expenses claimed by M.P.s,  ran:-

“In the week Chris Huhne left his wife for a younger woman, his expenses reveal he claimed money for servicing an old boiler.

The bill for £1,500 was for general household maintenance and was dated 7 April 2009.

That was a year after he started an affair with his 44-year-old bisexual press officer Carina Trimingham and  just over a year before this week’s announcement that the Energy Secretary was leaving his 57-year-old wife Vicky Pryce.”

I don’t think a woman aged 47 qualifies for the term ‘old’!