Strange, but possibly true!


Based upon the excellent Collyer Political Climate Model, I would like to produce, to the no-doubt deafening applause of the faithful, my own Mike Predictions of 2011.

January
Thirty-three Conservative MP’s are interviewed by undercover reporters from the Sun while conducting Constituency surgeries. Thirty-two are recorded agreeing with the male reporter that the Page Three model shown in the Sun that day has indeed got lovely big tits! The thirty-third stated that he was not turned on by women with big tits as he (the MP) was as bent as a fish-hook!
February
The balance of the Lib-dem MP’s and Ministers who had not been outed by the Telegraph’s reporters sign a joint letter in the Independent stating that the Tory side of the Coalition are a bunch of wankers. An immediate statement from Downing Street says that the Lib-Dem letter is grossly unfair to wankers!
March
Dave Milliband sends a round-robin to all Lib-Dem MP’s offering three Mars-Bars and a Kit-Kat if they will sling their hooks from the Coalition, and climb on board with Newish Labour (he explained that Alistair is still working on the Party name). Only two Lib-Dems defect, as the others could not read past a seven-year-old child’s level!
April
David Cameron is recorded on a microphone which he is unaware is ‘live’. that he is fed up of ‘nudging’ the stupid dumb uncaring electorate to give more to Charity as part of his ‘Big Society’, and will be instructing George Osborne to raise the standard rate of Income Tax to 45%, because, in his own words, “We have to get our message across better; and if they see they have to pay, then the job is done!” Osborne’s reply is not recorded, but an on-duty policeman stated that he heard a terrible scream coming from the front room of Osborne’s home at No. 11 Downing Street.
May
Nick Clegg is the target of a leadership coup within the Liberal-Democrats Westminster organisation, but escapes because the plotters could not agree on a Campaign Headquarters building.
June
Black six-inch tall Headlines are printed on all British newspapers as they record the only time that Gordon Brown visits the House of Commons so far this year. The headlines do not record what Gordon slipped or tripped over, upon his return to his constituency home, but the RSPCA does record the demise of fifteen cats and three dogs from homes immediately adjacent to the Brown’s property!
July
Millions of invertebrates fall all over Westminster, but it is definitely proved that this is not a result of Anthropomorphic Global Worming. One thousand two hundred and twenty-three men of Asian origin were detained at the same time under anti-terrorist legislation. Sixteen tons of ‘Amfo’ explosive was confiscated at the same time`. However, a senior Deputy Assistant Temporary Chief Constable was quick to state that this did not mean that all muslims were terrorists, but just a tiny minority.
August
Arrangements were being made for Nick Clegg to address the Tory Party conference, and for ‘Our Dave’ to speak to the Liberal-Democrats. These arrangements were actually going well until it was mentioned to Nick Clegg, who had to be immediately rushed to A&E at St. Thomas’ Hospital with all the symptoms of advanced pregnancy.
September
The new Trade Union legislation, brought in by the Coalition Government, which outlaws strike action without a majority vote from all Union members listed, was tested this month by strike ballots from Unite, NUT, ASLEF, RCMidwives, CDNA and the TGWU. All ballots had to be declared null and void due to the lack of qualified Ballot Scrutineers. The only qualifications required were that the Scrutineers had to be able to count, as well as read. The Unite ballot, brought under the auspices of the Union members allegedly working for British Airways, was also questioned because the B.A. Union Representative who called the Strike Ballot had been on sick leave for fifteen years, was living permanently in Los Angeles, and was only recognised by other staff members by voice recognition software!
October
Dave Milliband receives good and bad news from a series of polls he has placed in the field. The good news is that he gets better name recognition amongst those polled than his brother did. The bad news is that 90% of those questioned thought that he parted his hair on the other side.
November
A legal challenge to the detention of fifty-four Asylum-seeker children, all of whom were from the same ‘extended family’ and who were of mixed Irish-Somali backgrounds, failed on the grounds that if they were released, they would dissappear into O’Houlihan’s Barn.
December
The whole of the UN peacekeeping force in Haiti, deployed after the earthquake two years ago, were withdrawn earlier this month. Along with the UN troops, all the Aid agencies and NGO’s also ceased operations and went back to their own homes and countries. This despite almost no reconstruction work achieved in the two years, a huge cholera death toll, explosive violence and rioting from the inhabitants, and evidence of huge amounts of corruption at both local as well as Haitian Government level. The level of frustration felt by all the people who foolishly had spent almost two years trying to knock some sense into the thick skulls of the locals was concisely put by a French doctor, when he said, “Bugger this for a lark; we’re going home!”
 
X-posted from A Tangled Web

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