Banking for old people!

Subject: Banking for the Older Generation . . . . how we should get back at the Banks

 Dear  Sir:

I am writing to  thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay  my plumber last month. By my calculations,  three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the  check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it…

I refer, of course,  to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight  years.You are to be  commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the  inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness  springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me  to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I  try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,  overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank  has become.    From now on, I, like  you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.. My mortgage and loan  repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed  personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom  you must nominate.

Be aware that it is  an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open  such an envelope. Please find attached  an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to  complete. I am sorry it runs  to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or  her as your bank knows about me, there is no  alternative.  Please note that all  copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by  a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)  must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY  convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number  which he/she must quote in dealings with me.I regret that it  cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it  on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.  As they say,  imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.  Let me level the  playing field even further.


When you call me,  press buttons as follows:


#1.  To make an  appointment to see me

#2. To query a  missing payment.

#3. To transfer the  call to my living room in case I am there.

#4  To transfer the  call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the  call to my toilet in case I am attending to  nature.

#6. To transfer the  call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a  message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be  communicated to you at a later date, to that Authorized Contact  mentioned earlier.

#8.  To return to the  main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9

#9. To make a  general complaint or inquiry.The contact will  then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a  second reminder to press* for English.


While this may, on  occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play  for the duration of the call. Regretably, but  again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new  arrangement.


May I wish you a  happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New  Year?


Your Humble  Client


And remember:     Don’t make old people  mad.    We don’t like being old  in the first place,    so it doesn’t take much  to piss us off.