From the Office of the Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dear Mr. Hester,
This letter serves to confirm that we, having scrutinised your long list of excellence in business, and also having assured ourselves that you have the stamina and business sense to take on a task which would daunt many a smaller man, would like to offer you the position of Chief Executive Officer of a bank which has fallen into our ownership because the last bunch of directors and executives totally screwed things up almost beyond redemption.
We accept that you might look askance at the tasks offered you, but we feel that they are achievable, mainly because we feel that with the combination of excellence in business, combined with the necessary ruthlessness needed to slash away at the deadwood which has built up under previous management which you have demonstrated in previous roles, you have the skills to accomplish the task.
Please sign and return this acceptance letter, which shall form part of your employment contract.
Signed. Alastair Darling Chancellor
Gordon Brown P.M.
Letter section not sent to successful candidate:-
Please also note that, we totally reserve the right to cancel, denigrate or otherwise alter parts of your full employment contract. We also state that we hereby agree to two different sets of bonuses payable a year in arrears, but the full amount is only available as shares in the bank. We also hereby announce that, if politically convenient, we or our successors in the Labour Party will turn and demand that you agree not to take any bonus amount due to you, if we find that, by doing so, we will gain many cheers from the unwashed multitude which thinks that we work for them, as M.P.s and Cabinet Ministers, instead of being entirely in it for ourselves.
We also acknowledge that if you do take the bonus shares at their full value, you will be viewed as a rapacious bastard, and not, as we earlier agreed, as an intelligent man doing a very difficult job on our behalf.