and its our bloody ball!


A couple of decades back, the world chuckled at ‘The Mouse that roared’, a film made in 1959, starring Peter Sellers in three roles; about a tiny European Principality named Grand Fenwick. The Fenwick government, facing bankruptcy as its only export, a Pinot White, cannot compete with an American knock-off copy, and no longer sells at all. The Grand Fenwick Prime Minister (Peter Sellers) decides to wage war on the United States, certain of their swift loss, and being equally certain of America’s largesse towards those it vanquishes. Unfortunately, the Fenwick Task Force, which comprises the Field Marshal (Sellers again), three men-at-arms and twenty longbowmen, arrive in New York when the whole city is involved in a practice air-raid exercise, and everyone is underground. The Fenwickians capture a ‘super-bomb’, declare the War won, and go back home. Oh, and the Field-Marshal gets the girl as well. It was a gentle, funny film, made on an undemanding budget; which poked fun at superpower politics and diplomacy. It didn’t take itself too seriously, and was a surprising success.

Talking of mice, and minnows, and small-minded men, I wonder what the other EU leaders think of the totality and reach of the ‘Cameron Demands’. I mean to say; here we are, the very birthplace of modern dictatorship (sorry, democracy), and we cannot even list a set of DEMANDS which the British people would back wholeheartedly. Its as though the whole letter was written by a scriptwriter fashioned as a PG Wodehouse clone; with its timid ‘requests’ and’ ‘sorry to mention the very idea, but..’ and ‘I venture that it just might be possible, given a fair wind, and no-one farting in the back row..’! Dear God, we use to run a third of the world! Have we become a clone of Grand Fenwick, without the booze which warmed?

The EU needs us, needs our bloody money, they need our fish, they need our military muscle, or rather what’s left of it. We should be telling them straight, ‘Give us what we want; give us back our borders, give us control over our Law, give us our rebate back; don’t f*ck around, buy a round’. We should be acting like the bully on the block, demanding what is ours by right, before all these bloody treaties and other bits of European bullshit were let in by the likes and lies of Heath. Because if we don’t get what we want, we’ll slice the anchor chain, and set sail for calmer waters in the free trade areas of the world; and bollocks to Brussels!

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