The ‘Ides of March’ are a little late this year

Ignore all the stories about how Gove plotted against Boris Johnson, but kept ‘schtum’ until the last minute. Ignore all the leaks about how this, or indeed that, scenario was discussed over cheese toasties at midnight.

There must have been a secret held by Gove regarding Boris Johnson which was so catastrophic, so horrendous, that Boris simply caved and withdrew from the contest. The prize, the Tory Leadership, has been Boris’ ambition from his days at Ashdown House and Eton; behind that bumbling facade has always been a brilliant mind and a ruthless personality.

The Secret? It cannot be about Boris fathering illegitimate children; after all, he has two, or is it three already: the news of another wouldn’t rate more than a small section on Page 24 of the Times. It cannot be because he was either buggering or being buggered by a school or college ‘friend’, and the news was enough to make him fold. Most of these Tories have been shafting each other for years, so where is the scandal in that?

Whatever the secret is, and we shall probably never, ever discover; was sufficient ammunition to make Bumbling Boris fold his cards, and leave the table, without even bothering to discover what other cards were being dealt.

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